Why? Why do I feel like people just say shit to get attention? Every once in awhile I understand that people can’t help it. But as someone who has been sick ALL of my life I can honestly say that drawing attention to that part of u isn’t something u want. I mean, yeah, it does make some things easier for u. But in the end people just tend to treat u differently Wheres the fun in that?

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There is a beautiful woman who sleeps down the hall. I don’t know how to talk to her anymore. I never know what to say. Every great once in a while I do or say the right thing. But nothing ever changes. I’m still alone. I’ve still messed everything up beyond repair. Some days I just sit and think. Think about all of the things I have done in the past to make her still love me but NEED to move on for her own sake. I can’t forgive myself for these things. Some of it someone would say was a no big deal. They have done worse. It’s not a matter of how bad you are in a relationship. It’s a matter of how much that person meant to you as you were doing it.

NO, I never cheated. But, I gave the illusion that I was with someone else to please the world. That is even worse. I tried to please people that weren’t worth pleasing in the end. Even family doesn’t always stick around or do the thing that is right and would make you the happiest. Sometimes they are the people who force you to be someone your not. They take away the one thing that makes you happiest in this world. They rip it from your grip even before you knew you could have it. Then dangle it in front of you and taunt you. Tell you if u touch that your happiness would be ripped away from you forever instead of just a year.

I will be the first to admit I have no idea what I am doing. I don’t know who I am meant to be. But the one thing I always knew was who I wanted by my side. Did or does that person know this? No, I don’t think they do. I am ashamed to admit that I did nothing to show her just what she does mean to me. I see her every day. The look of sadness in her face from the disappointment I caused her and continue to. I wish I could do something to fix everything I have done in the past, but I know there is no way to show her that it was all…….wrong. Everything was wrong. There was supposed to be a romantic start to us. Not forced to admit something we wanted to discover on our own. There is something I do blame myself for and that’s for not understanding who I really was sooner.

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life as I know it

some days are better then others. Thats a given. but every once in a while I have something to look forward to. Then, like almost everything else in my life, it’s ripped out from under me and taken away. Getting darker. Closing in on the day I will never be here again. Noo one but me really understands the feeling of knowing that there was a time when there would of been no way to live to 25. of course there are people who don’t WANT to live to see this age. I never actually thought there was a way to NOT see this age. I had plans. None of them have actually come true. My love left me for her best friend. My parents and dr drugged me because of my anger problem and I missed the whole of the last semester in college. Im broken. Everything about me sucks. Only thing I can really give to this world I cant really do any more because I am so out of the loop I look like a fool.  Every once in a while I feel like something is going right. Then Im corrected. Nothing is ever good. Im not good. When I get into wanting to be normal like someone else, everything goes right. I feel happy. Then I fall.Back into the nothingness that is my life. I realize that there is nothing that is going to help me get back up. I think there is. I try so hard. But in the end I am still on the ground. Feeling my way in the dark. Hoping someone is going to come save me. But it never happens……….

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Worried :(

Something is bothering me. I can’t figure out if it has to do with me or if it has to do with Trishalynn going to the doctor in the morning. But I can’t sleep And I LOVE to sleep.  I never worry about anything usually. I have gone through major surgeries where nothing bothers me, like it’s just another day at the office!

Tonight I feel like I need to be up to watch over the house for some reason, I think. I’ve been on an old movie kick again as well. Maybe that could be it? I was up for almost 24 hours and I only slept 2. Now I am back up and just worried about everything. Trishalynn NEEDS help. And no one wants to do anything about it. Well, I can’t just sit by and let everyone ignore her. I want to raise hell about it and get the doctor to order tests or get her into see the RIGHT specialist this time!  Through all of this I just sit here. Wondering what I can do. How I could possibly help. I know the only real way to help is to clean the house. And I have actually been doing a good job on that!! So that I am hoping keeps going and she can be proud of me. Even if it is 8 years to late.

I also found out that one of the guys who used to Mentor me when I was younger died this week. I am saddened by this. I don’t know what to make of it. He was showing me the ropes to take over his job at the National Kidney Foundation when I was younger. Then I got sick again 😦 .  I can’t believe he is gone…..I did however, know that he had been really sick these last couple years. And you can only go so long before everything catches up with you like that. I am very proud to say that I knew him for the last 13+ years. Rich Salick will be missed by so many both professionally and personally. He was a determined man. And I hope that someone can try to take his place and make sure that us patients have all the support and help and hope that Rich made sure we had. No one can take your place Rich. I will miss you every day.

I love the dogs. Nade is cuddled up to me. Quixote is sleeping at the end of the bed. The cat is on the floor snoring. And the other dogs and cats are in the living room passed out. I am going to try to go back to sleep again. Have a good night everyone!

 

Jelly Bean

 

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Soon……

One of these days I  am going to know how to do the right thing all the time. When I open my mouth the words that come out of it aren’t going to be something that can hurt or even offend anyone. How do I get to the point though? I know I need help changing who I have become. Everything is falling apart. The life that I had imagined went out the door when they said I was back in renal failure. Nothing has gone right since then. Trishalynns surgery was horrible. She is in pain all the time and can’t eat like she is supposed to because nothing stays down. It took them almost 4 years to take out something that should have been taken out of me when I was younger. I had to quit working. I can’t seem to do anything of value for anyone anymore.  I really wish someone could come along and just show me how I am supposed to be. That they would tell me when I am being mean or an asshole or just downright horrid to someone.

I don’t really believe in God. But I do believe something is out there that is bigger then us.  I just wish it could come down and take over my brain and show me how to be good. How to clean the house. How to cook and not have to worry about always messing up all the time. I have to grow up soon. Stop watching tv and shutting myself in my room all day. My life is worth more then that. I owe it to so many people to live my life the way I should and not be depressed about everything going on. Fix what I can. Start a new.

Anyone feel like they can help me? want to show me the way to good instead of evil?

Beanie

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Life.

 

I’m sitting up at almost 5am. I can’t go to sleep because I go to dialysis at 6am.  What am I doing? Sitting here listening to music. I tried to watch some Criminal mind bloopers and interviews. But I think I have watched most of them this last week. My friend fell asleep while we were talking about how we are going to watch this Wednesdays episode.  These next couple days are going to be hard on me. I need to clean out the laundry room and get all the old boxes out of there so we have room for my new baxter stuff that should come on Thursday. I’m not sure what to do with myself anymore. I can move now. I want to clean but I always feel like I’m not doing it right. Or like I’m bothering someone when I clean. This is home but the woman I love…..doesn’t really want me anymore like I want her. Not that it’s not my fault. I am horrible to her. I don’t mean to be. But I know that every time I try to do something nice, it comes out wrong. I am not sure how, but it does. I do try though.

I am not sure how I got to this point. I am thankful everyday for her. I am also thankful everyday for the fact that I can move now. There is no better feeling then the one when you wake up and have slept the whole night through! One of these days I am going to do something right and she is going to be amazed. Not sure what yet though……

I’m also going to go back to doing what I was born to do, educating people on organ donation. I need a kidney and so do a lot of my friends. I hope to get the word out there because I don’t want to have to wait til I die to be important.

Some days I love being me. ❤

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I wish someone could get me out of my head right now. It’s starting to get to me. I’m regretting so much. Everything I have done over the last 7 years is getting to me. All of the people I have hurt. All of the people I have let down. Everyone I have made promises to and not come through on.

The music isn’t helping cheer me up like it used to. It’s making me realize that I have messed so much that there is no going back. Some day I am going to have to show someone the real me. I don’t even know who that is anymore. Maybe things will get better when I get my kidney. I don’t think so. It’s been so long that the only thing I know is being home. Being sick. Being a shadow of the person I could be. Something went wrong with me. I think it has to do with all the hurting people. I don’t want to hurt them. Something just goes off in my head.

Being back on hemodialysis has really opened up some stuff for me. I kinda feel better but at the same time I know that I always felt better on PD. With all of that weight on I wasn’t even able to move though. Now I feel like doing everything!! 15 lbs makes a big difference. But I need to try to build muscle. That way I can be prepared for my transplant when it comes to it. I would love to just swim for a while. Build my endurance back up. But I know that I can’t until after my transplant because TL won’t let me :(. I see her point though. I have had far to many infections for me to chance it.

good night all.

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